My First Time

"No"

There is so much security in saying no. With No, I can retreat back into my world.
There, there is stability.
There, there is a pattern of predictability. Yet, with no,
There is no chance to learn and grow.

There were the red pants.
There was a white beard.
There was a red hat and 9 bags of toys.
There were kids that I'd heard about and been too afraid to see.
There was a chance for me to say no. I did, but then, I don't know.

I walked into the orphanage for the first time. Not as myself, but as Santa.
The younger kids were ecstatic - waving and smiling. Was this new?
The adolescents - reserved and detached. They had seen this before.

Four kids gathered round to sing me a song.
Kids hugged and tugged, held my hand and all I could do was smile.
I sat in front of the tree and became a jungle gym.
They wanted pictures with Santa.
Me, Santa?
Usually, I'm the Grinch.

I had said no because I was afraid of what I would see.
Safety, predictability - limiters?
I don't know why I said yes. But I did.
I will remember my first time being Santa.
Hopefully, it will not be my last time.